The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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