If that was your dad, he is hot
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
