Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
