I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
