i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
