We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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