I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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