Im at strip club and am horny
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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