she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
