the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
