she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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