Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
