her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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