I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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