Your face is a jimmy john
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
