once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
