a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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