i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
