I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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