when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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