The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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