Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
