I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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