Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
