apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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