it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
