I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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