This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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