Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
