3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
