she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
