i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
