that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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