Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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