He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
