well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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