Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
