i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
