Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
