Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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