Sry I called you an 8
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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