8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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