Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
