i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
