Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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