I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
