shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
