i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
