Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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