Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
