it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
