There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
