Im at strip club and am horny
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
